


Push Away the Unimaginable

by here_comes_the_moose



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Assassination Attempt(s), Bottom Thomas, Depressed Thomas, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, George Washington is a Dad, Heavy Angst, M/M, Morning Sickness, Mpreg, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Smut, Social Anxiety, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Thomas and James are married, Vomiting, Washington is President, What else is new, thomas has social anxiety
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-22
Updated: 2017-09-07
Packaged: 2018-12-02 22:44:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11519052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/here_comes_the_moose/pseuds/here_comes_the_moose
Summary: Life is going well for Thomas Jefferson and his husband, James Madison. They've just celebrated their fourth wedding anniversary, Thomas is President Washington's Secretary of State, and life in general is just perfect for the couple.Until their perfect world comes crashing down with the sound of a gunshot.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> There will be smut in this chapter, as well as blood and violence.

"Okay, Thomas, you can take off the blindfold," James, his husband says.

"Jemmy, I love you, but this towel hardly qualifies as a blindfold," Thomas chuckles.

"Just take it off, Thomas," James sighs, and Thomas can practically see his husband rolling his eyes. Thomas takes off the blindfold and gasps. 

"I know that you were sad that we couldn't go to France this year because of your speech tomorrow, but I hope this is okay," James says as Thomas looks around the room in awe. James had decorated one of their spare rooms almost exactly as the suite they had stayed in on their honeymoon. He had brought in a lovely table and two chairs, decorated with some candles and rose petals. In the center of the table there was a steaming bowl of macaroni, an apple pie, and a bottle of Thomas's favorite wine. In addition to the table, the bed was decorated with rose petals that read _Happy Four Years_ and surrounded by mini candles, with some soft classical music playing in the background.

 _"Jemmy,"_ Thomas says, tearing up, "It's _perfect._ Thank you."

"Happy anniversary darling," James says, kissing Thomas's blushing cheek. "Now, shall we?"

\----------------

After they finish their food and wine, James stands up and offers his hand to Thomas. "May I have this dance?" James asks, bowing.

"Oh, _Mister Madison_ ," Thomas sighs, pretending to fan himself before giving James his hand and pretending to curtsy. James then pulls him close and they start dancing slowly. James stares up at Thomas and kisses him. Thomas returns the kiss, deepening it before leading James to the bed, unbuttoning his jacket and undoing his tie. James gently lays Thomas on the bed and brushes a piece of hair behind his ear before sucking on his collarbone as he removes Thomas's shirt and tosses it aside before removing his own. Thomas sighs in delight before sitting up and motioning to James's belt. 

"May I?" Thomas asks, his voice deep and seductive.

" _Oh god, yes Thomas_ ," James groans as Thomas palms him through his dress pants. "Mmm, stop teasing."

"I know you love when I tease," Thomas says. He then starts to unbuckle James's belt. "But I'll get to it, since you've been so good to me."

He takes off James's pants and slowly slides off his boxers. "Mm, Little Jemmy is excited. Well, _big_ Little Jemmy."

James receives no further warning before Thomas swirls his tongue around the head of his dick for a few seconds before taking him entirely into his mouth and staring up at James through his beautifully long lashes. He then begins sucking James off nice and slow, with James moaning and burying his fingers in Thomas's beautiful curly hair. 

Thomas blows James for about five more minutes and then James raises Thomas up and lays him on the bed. "May I?" James asks, touching Thomas's belt buckle. Thomas whines and nods, and James slowly removes Thomas's pants and underwear. He then caresses Thomas's face and cups his cheek, saying, "You're so _beautiful_. I'm the luckiest man alive."

"I'm so grateful for you Jemmy," Thomas says softly, grabbing James's face. "I love you."

"I love you too," James says, kissing Thomas's lips, which were slightly swollen from blowing James.

"I don't want you to use a condom, Jemmy," Thomas says. "I want to feel you in me."

"Of course, darling," James says, reaching into the nightstand drawer and pulling out the lube. He pours a generous amount onto his fingers and then gets to work. Thomas spreads his legs for James, who inserts one finger into Thomas, who grunts in discomfort. They had both been pretty busy the past few months with their jobs and had barely been able to get a moment to themselves, let alone have sex.

"Sorry, darling, do you need me to stop?" James asks, concern evident on his face.

"Mmf, no keep going," Thomas sighs as he gets used to the feeling, which now feels good. 

James moves his finger around a bit so he can make sure Thomas will be as comfortable as possible when he inserts a second finger. However, Thomas still hisses in discomfort when the time does come, scaring James, believing he hurt Thomas.

"Darling, are you okay? I can stop," James asks worriedly.

"I'll be fine, just let me get used to it," Thomas grunts. After a few minutes, Thomas nods and James starts to slowly move his fingers inside Thomas to help open him up a bit for a third finger, and for James. 

Thomas suddenly draws in a sharp breath, and James immediately stops what he's doing, before Thomas breathes out, "Oh, do that again."

James repeats what he had just done, and smiles as Thomas moans and digs his fingers into James's back. James then inserts a third finger, causing Thomas to gasp, but he tells James to keep going. James works on stretching him out some more until he feels Thomas is ready.

"Are you ready, darling?" James asks.

"Need you so badly, Jemmy," Thomas moans. James then removes his fingers and rubs a generous amount of lube onto himself before lining up with Thomas's entrance and going in. Thomas gasps and after a few moments he tell James to start moving. 

James starts to move slowly, causing Thomas moan softly and grab James's muscular shoulders. James gazes lovingly into Thomas's eyes and begins kissing him, wrapping his fingers in Thomas's hair as Thomas grinds his hips up against James. Thomas wraps his legs around James's waist and James sits up. Thomas grabs James's head as he grinds in James's lap as they passionately make out and James runs his hands down Thomas's back until his his hands are cupping Thomas's ass. James then lies down, so he can let Thomas ride on top. James smiles at how beautiful Thomas looks bouncing on top of him.

"Uh, pull my hair Jemmy," Thomas moans, throwing his head back. James then sits back up and tugs at his husband's luscious hair. Thomas then pulls him down so they're in the same position as when they started. 

"I'm close, Jemmy," Thomas sighs.

"Me too," James grunts.

Thomas then moans and digs his fingers into James's back as his eyes roll back and he comes on the both of them. The sight and sound of Thomas causes James to come inside Thomas shortly after, causing his thrusts to become out of time and erratic. After he finishes, he's about to pull out, thinking Thomas is tired, when Thomas breathes out, "Round two?" and how can he say no to his beautiful husband?

\----------------

They go at it for a few more rounds until they both get tired and decide to shower together before going to sleep. Thankfully the speech is in the afternoon, so they get to sleep in a bit before they need to go to the Capitol Building to get ready for the speech.

Because it's a relatively large speech, President Washington, the rest of the cabinet, some Justices, some Representatives, like James, and a few Senators are present. Secretary Hamilton will introduce Thomas. The Treasury Secretary and Thomas have a strange relationship; they disagree about practically everything, but are rather close, mostly because they both respect each other and consider each other intellectual equals and just love arguing with each other- something they hadn't realized until Washington forced Hamilton to take a month paternity leave a few years ago when's husband, John Laurens, had their first child, Frances. Thomas realized how quiet the cabinet was without Hamilton and how boring the day was without their daily arguments, professional and otherwise, such as who makes better coffee.

"Thirty minutes!" President Washington yells, interrupting Thomas's walk down memory lane and reminding him why he was walking down it in the first place. You would think that with all of his years in the public eye that he would have gotten over his social anxiety, but as he sits here shaking, clammy, and nauseous before every event in which he needs to speak in front of people, he doesn't think he ever will. 

"Your husband said he thought you might need this."

Thomas looks up to see Hamilton holding out a can of ginger ale to him. He accepts it gratefully, hopefully his smile didn't look like a grimace, and takes a small sip.

"You'll do great," Hamilton says, sitting down next to him. "No matter how wrong your argument may be, you always deliver it perfectly."

"Gee, thanks," Thomas says, hoping to sound sassy, but instead his voice sounded shaky.

"Oh god, you're not gonna puke, are you?" Hamilton asks, eyes widening and scooting away. "'Cause you are looking pale. I really don't want a repeat of a few years ago."

Thomas shakes his head and chuckles weakly at the memory. Their first big press conference, back at the beginning of Washington's presidency, did not only have a audience a few thousand, but it was also live broadcasted for the whole world to see. Thomas had really tried to hold it in, but in the car ride to the National Mall, he had needed the driver to pull over, but they couldn't, so he ended up throwing up onto the floor and Hamilton's shoes. Hamilton was unaffected by it, due to the fact that he had been helping John, who had been suffering from morning sickness at the time, but Thomas had been absolutely mortified. Washington, since was unofficially everyone's dad, then swooped in to save the day with baby wipes, water, and mints.

"Hey, Jefferson, you with me?" Hamilton asks, waving his hand in front of Thomas's face.

"Oh sorry," Thomas says, taking another sip of the ginger ale. "How's John? When's his due date again?"

At the mention of his husband, Hamilton beams before saying, "John's doing fine. He's due in a little less than four months. The cravings have already kicked in, though. Last night he made me drive to Taco Bell at two in the morning."

"Have you two picked out any names yet?" Thomas asks.

"Well, at our last visit we found out we're expecting a boy," Hamilton says, smiling. "Philip was absolutely ecstatic. For names I liked William, but John wants to name him after me."

Thomas feels his heart warm up as he watches Hamilton talk about John and their children. He and James had talked about having children two years ago, but unfortunately, they learned that Thomas couldn't have children. It had really hurt at first, especially since he seemed to see couples with children everywhere he went, but after seeing a counsellor with James, he learned to cope with it, and he and James also discussed adoption.

"Ten minutes!" Washington yells, causing whatever nausea that had disappeared to come back in full swing and he had to swallow hard to keep from gagging. 

"Oh shit, do you need a bag or something?" Hamilton asks worriedly, looking around frantically. This was their routine ever since the car incident; Hamilton calms Thomas down when he has bad nerves, and Thomas subjects himself to Hamilton's mother-henning.

"I want to see James," Thomas says weakly.

"Okay, I can do that," Hamilton says. "Let me go get him. Just stay here. Try not to puke on anyone."

After about five minutes, Hamilton returns with James. James rushes over to Thomas.

"Oh darling, are you okay? Did you get sick?" James asks worriedly.

"No," Thomas sighs. "I'm just nervous, Jemmy."

"Darling, don't worry, I know you'll be amazing, like how you always are," James says, pushing a piece of hair behind Thomas's ear. "And I'll be right behind you the whole time."

"I love you," Thomas says. "I don't know what I'd ever do without you."

"I love you too," James says, smiling at Thomas.

"Okay, we're starting to go out now," Hamilton cuts in awkwardly.

Thomas looks around to make sure no one is looking before kissing James before walking outside.

\----------------

Hamilton is almost done with his introduction and Thomas is shaking in his seat. _If I vomit or faint will they cancel my speech?_ Thomas wonders to himself. He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and counts in his head. 

"You'll be fine, dear."

Thomas jerks his eyes open and turns to see Martha Washington smiling at him.

"Thank you, Mrs. Washington," he whispers to her before turning his attention back to Hamilton, who has said something to make the crowd laugh. As Hamilton finishes up his speech, Thomas purses his lips as he feels the nerves rise up. He takes a deep breath as he stands and walks over to the podium where Hamilton is standing. He looks back at James, who is smiling at him, before starting.

"Greetings, fellow citizens," Thomas starts. "You all are most likely here because you want answers. Answers about what will be done to make this nation sa-"

Suddenly, it all happens in slow motion. Thomas is knocked to ground by someone and the podium falls over. He hears a loud noise that sounds like a firecracker. _But that makes no sense, there are no firecrackers._ Then he hears someone scream and another person yell for 9-1-1. _Oh not a firecracker..._ Thomas looks up and sees red. He immediately begins checking frantically to see where he got shot, but can't find it. He then looks next to him and freezes in horror.

James is lying next to him, breathing heavily, bright red staining his white shirt, blood pouring out of a bullet wound right under his diaphragm. Thomas rushes over to James and props him up.

"James," Thomas says, trying to keep his voice steady, "hey, look at me. They're calling the ambulance. You're going to be okay."

"Thomas," James rasps, weakly smiling up at him, "you're so beautiful."

"James, you idiot, why did you do that?" Thomas cries as he presses his suit jacket to the bullet wound to try and stop the bleeding. 

"He had a gun," James replies weakly. "He would have killed you. I can't have that."

"James, please oh my god," Thomas cries, feeling tears prick at his eyes as he feels James's pulse. " _Stay alive!_ "

"Thomas I-" James starts to say weakly, before cutting off, breathing heavily. 

"Don't leave me," Thomas sobs, grabbing James's hand. "Please don't leave, Jemmy. _I need you. I love you._ "

"Darling," James says, smiling and cupping Thomas's cheek, "I love you. I-I'll see you on the other side, my love." James then just stares straight ahead.

"James," Thomas calls, slapping James's face. No response. "JEMMY!" Thomas cries, shaking James's lifeless body. He clutches his husband's dead body and screams before sobbing. He screams and fights as someone drags him away from his Jemmy.

\----------------

"Thomas, I'm so sorry." 

Thomas gets up from kneeling beside James's casket and turns around to see his old friend Lafayette crying. Thomas lets Lafayette pull him into a hug and he rests his head on Lafayette's shoulder. 

Today they were going to bury James and Thomas felt absolutely sick to his stomach. The wake and funeral were especially rough because it was open-casket, since that's what James had wanted. James's coffin was going to be carried out of the funeral home to his grave by Thomas, Lafayette, Hercules Mulligan, John, Hamilton, and Aaron Burr, but since John was pregnant and unable to lift the casket, he was replaced by Washington. 

The six men lifted the casket and Thomas didn't even bother to stop the tears as they walked while the Schuyler sisters and Maria Reynolds sing _Amazing Grace_ as they walk James to his grave. They lower James into the ground and Thomas puts a hand over his mouth in an attempt to cover his sobs. Lafayette and John hold him close to them as they walk away from James's final resting place.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After two months of not leaving his home following James's funeral, Thomas is dragged by Lafayette on a fishing trip.
> 
>  
> 
> Note: To any Turn fans reading this, Ben Tallmadge will be making an appearance in this chapter. Caleb Brewster will be mentioned and might appear, since I'm always a sucker for some Tallster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter will contain talk of and thoughts of suicide, but no actual suicide, in addition to heavy feelings of guilt from Thomas. There will also be vomiting in this chapter.
> 
>  
> 
> Additionally, this work is tagged as mpreg, so if you have an issue with that, just don't read it.

It took Thomas two weeks to get out of bed and another month to even leave his room, save for going to the bathroom. He knew that he lost weight, since Lafayette or Laurens would tell him every time they came with some food for him to eat. He barely ate anything. Eliza had come a few times to try and get him to speak to her about how he was feeling and how bottling it all up wasn't good for him. Angelica and Hamilton would try to get him to debate with him by purposefully saying things they knew he would usually disagree with, but he didn't engage with them.

He wished he was dead.

He should have been the one who was shot.

When he expressed these thoughts to Angelica in the middle of the night, when she dropped in to check on him, she called up Lafayette and they removed all potentially dangerous objects from his house. He thinks of how he had been that night- hysterically screaming and crying, holding several letters from James while he threw things and broke them. Angelica talked softly to him and got him to lie down on his bed while Lafayette removed everything from the house. 

That had been a little less than a month ago. It had been almost two months since the funeral and Thomas still had not left his house. He had no desire to go out and see the pitying looks of everyone, had no desire to answer the questions of nosy reporters, and had no desire to leave the comfort of his home.

So he was not about to answer the knocking on his door. Usually if he ignored them, the people would leave him alone. However, he was not in luck because he heard the clicking sound of keys unlocking the door and the alarm confirmed that someone had just entered the house. He sighed as he looked up from his tea to see Lafayette moments later standing in his living room.

"Mon ami, it has been two months and you have not left your house, I read that this is not healthy," Lafayette says, taking some of the chocolate Thomas keeps on the coffee table before sitting next to him. "Washington wishes for you to accompany us on our fishing trip today. And before you ask, no, you do not have a choice in this matter."

"Really?" Thomas asks, setting his tea on the table and crossing his arms. "Because I'm not leaving my house. If you want to get me out of this house, y'all better carry my ass out." 

\----------------

After fifteen minutes of chasing Thomas around his house before Washington caught him, another twenty minutes of getting him into some suitable fishing attire, and another ten minutes of carrying Thomas out of the house and into the Washington's minivan, they were off to go fishing.

"You know, I could report you for kidnapping," Thomas says, still sulking fifteen minutes into the drive.

"Relax, Jefferson, this could be good for you," Hamilton says from the backseat. "Some fresh air, nice water, hanging with some guys and going fishing, beautiful nature-"

"I hate nature," Thomas says, scowling.

"Are cabinet meetings like this?" Thomas hears Ben Tallmadge ask from the passenger seat.

"This is a good meeting," Washington deadpans, not taking his eyes off the road.

The rest of the fifteen minutes of the drive go by in silence, which Washington is thankful for. He pulls the car into a parking spot and says, "Okay, kids, we're here."

They all get out of the car and follow Washington to his boat, _Liberty_. Tallmadge gets on the boat first so that he can help Washington board, followed by Lafayette and Hamilton. He considers how far he could run before they catch him, but then he remembers that Tallmadge is a member of the CIA and very in-shape, so he just sighs and boards the boat. They leave the dock and Washington drives the boat out to his preferred fishing spot. They all get their fishing poles and cast them, waiting for some fish.

"It's a good day for fishing," Washington says, sitting down next to Lafayette. "The sky is clear, it's not too hot," he smiles jokingly at Tallmadge, "the water isn't rough."

"Oh c'mon are you guys ever going to let me live that down?" Tallmadge sighs, blushing and face-palming. 

"Le mal de mer is nothing to be ashamed of mon ami," Lafayette says, rubbing Tallmadge's shoulder.

"Neither is morning sickness," Hamilton says, smirking, causing Tallmadge to groan.

"For the last time Alexander, I am not pregnant," Tallmadge sighs.

"Oh but Benjamin, when will you pop out a little grandchild for me to dote on?" Washington asks jokingly, pretending to wipe away a tear. "Tell my darling son-in-law, Caleb he has my blessings. I know that you two have time for such _activities._ "

"Oh my god!" Tallmadge's face is pink with mortification as Lafayette and Hamilton laugh. "Are you hearing this?" Tallmadge asks Jefferson, chuckling amusedly. "Jefferson?"

Thomas would have replied at that moment, but he feels a headache coming on, as well as a faint dizzy feeling. He gathers himself for a moment and replies, "Oh yes, sorry."

"I think I got something!" exclaims Hamilton. Washington helps him reel in a quiet large fish as Lafayette holds the net for them to put it in. Tallmadge sits beside Thomas and watches the trio catch the fish and put it in the net. Thomas can't explain why, but when he catches a smell of the fish, his stomach starts to feel queasy and his head spins. Tallmadge turns to look over at Thomas and sees that the latter looks a bit pale.

"Hey, Jefferson, you okay?" Tallmadge asks, voice full of concern.

"Dizzy," is all Thomas can muster out as he feels his stomach twist. He braces his elbows on his knees and places his dizzy head in his hands, breathing deeply against the rising nausea. _That's strange._ Thomas thinks to himself. _I've never been the biggest fan of boats, but I've never felt sick on one._

He feels someone, probably Tallmadge, rubbing up and down his back and telling him to take deep breaths and hears Hamilton's loud voice ask, "Oh god, is he okay?" Thomas can barely register what's going on but _oh god_ his stomach just lurched and his mouth is full of awful-tasting liquid...

Thomas quickly clamps a hand over his mouth and runs to the railing. He doubles over the side and starts retching.

"It's alright, let it all out," he hears Tallmadge say as he rubs his back soothingly, the most nurturing of Washington's adopted sons. He bends over even more and starts vomiting. Everything is spinning and he throws up again and he doesn't think he's ever felt this sick in his whole life...

He feels tears prick his eyes as he backs away from the railing. He wishes his Jemmy was hear to comfort him, like how he always would on the rare occasion it was Thomas who was sick. He would always stroke his hair or hold it back, he would make him the best soup, and he would always cuddle him. Thomas allows Tallmadge to lead him back over to the chairs and continue to rub his back.

"Here you go, Thomas," Washington says, handing him a can of ginger ale. "Small sips."

"Thank you," Thomas says quietly, taking the can and sipping the fizzy drink slowly.

"I apologize, mon ami, I did not know you suffered from le mal de mer," Lafayette says sadly.

"Nothing to apologize for," Thomas says. "I've never had this problem. It must have been something I- oh god!"

Hamilton immediately presses a bucket into Thomas's hands and he throws up again. Thomas feels awful and it's even worse knowing that Jemmy isn't here, that he'll _never_ be here.

"Okay, we're going back to shore," Washington says, getting up and starting up the boat again.

"Hey, it'll be okay," Tallmadge says softly, rubbing Thomas's back some more. "We'll be back on land soon and we'll go to the Washington's, where you can rest and maybe later if you feel up to it, you can have a nice warm meal." Thomas gags at the mention of food. "Sorry. But hey on the bright side, at least Washington is the one driving. Ugh, one time last year, he let Alexander drive. Alexander drove us in circles, giving us all headaches, but with my luck, I was the only one who got dizzy enough to start hurli- oh sorry. Hey look we're docking now."

Sure enough, they were docking and within five minutes, they were all off the boat and walking towards Washington's car. Thomas felt tired and weak and he felt a headache coming on as he gets into the back of the minivan.

"You can rest your head on my shoulder if you want," Lafayette offers, smiling at Thomas. 

"Thank you," Thomas says softly, placing his head on Lafayette's shoulder and closing his eyes.

\----------------

"Thomas, we're here," Lafayette says, tapping Thomas to wake him up. Thomas opens his eyes to see that they're in the Washington's driveway. He yawns and stretches before getting out of the car, thankful that his nausea is gone as he breathes in the crisp March air. He follows the others into the house, where Martha is waiting for them with little Angelica on her hip.

"Oh Thomas, sweetie come here, sit down," Martha says, ushering Thomas into the living room, where Hercules and Caleb are playing spies with Frances and Philip while John watches amusedly. "George told me you weren't feeling well, poor thing. I have some chicken soup on the stove, but let me get you some crackers and Gatorade. It's a good thing I always keep a stash here, just in case one of the children start to feel sick."

"Oh, Martha, do you need help with anth-" Thomas moves to stand up, but Martha aggressively helps him back into his seat.

"No, no, you stay here," Martha says sternly. "I don't want you exerting yourself. Alexander, Benjamin, Lafayette, come help me in the kitchen!" And with that, Martha disappears into the kitchen with her three adopted sons trailing behind her, not unlike ducklings would a momma duck. 

"How are you, Thomas?" Thomas turns to see John smiling sadly at him. Thomas feels his chest tighten in annoyance. Can't people just stop asking him how he is? His husband was fucking _shot_ right in front of him, by a bullet meant for Thomas. Why can't people just leave him in piece?

However, he just can't bring himself to feel anything negative towards John, since he's just such a good person who always seems to bring sunshine wherever he goes. So, he just settles for a half-true response.

"Tired," he replies. He then looks at John's baby bump and asks, "When is your due date, again?"

John smiles and looks down, placing a hand on his bump before saying, "Junior's due sometime in the beginning of May. I finally convinced Alexander to let me name the baby after him." John then pauses before grabbing Thomas's hand and placing it on his baby bump. "Do you feel him kicking?" Sure enough, Thomas feels a strong kick against his palm, causing him to smile widely, but also be filled with intense sadness at the same time. He feels his eyes tear up as the guilt of not being able to at least give James a family before he died washes over him and the regret of waiting so long to adopt a child hits him like a sack of bricks.

Thomas notices another hand on John's baby bump and looks up to see Ben smiling and staring in awe. John then says, "Ben, forgive me if I'm intruding, but have you and Caleb considered having children. It's just that, I see how you both are with my and Alexander's children, and when we were younger, you talked so much about having a big family. If anything's wrong, I'm here for you."

Ben sighs before saying, "It's just that," he lowers his voice, "I really want a child, but I'm so _scared_ , John. I mean, Caleb's in the Navy and I'm in the CIA; what if our work comes between us and our child? What if he or she thinks we don't love them? What if we're not ready for a child? Oh my god, a few weeks ago I got so scared since I felt nauseous one day and threw up, but I went to the doctor and she said I wasn't pregnant. I felt relieved but I felt so sad at the same time. What should I do?"

"Ben," John says, "I can't tell you what to do, since it's your and Caleb's life, but I see how both of you really seem to enjoy the children and how you have both spoken about having large families when we were younger. But I think this is something you and Caleb need to talk about, and it's the both of your decision at the end of the day."

Thomas feels his heart clench as he sees the small smile work its way onto Ben's face. Although he and Ben weren't as close friends as he was with Lafayette or Alexander, they were still friends, and it brought him joy that at least someone would be able to have something special with the love of their life. 

Especially while they still had the chance.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas spends the night at the Washington's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: nightmares, blood, guilt, and vomiting. Just angst, if we're being completely honest. 
> 
> Oh, also be warned, there will be dad jokes. You have been warned.

"Motherfucker!" Alexander yells when he accidentally burns his finger on the hot pan.

"You rang?" Washington asks, poking his head into the kitchen.

"Alexander! George!" Martha gasps, moving to cover Philip's ears. "The children!"

"I think that was peak dad joke right there," John says, chuckling. 

"Daddy, want up," little Angelica says, making grabby hands at John. John smiles before lifting the two year old onto the couch. 

"What did you do today, Angelica?" Thomas asks the toddler; Thomas always enjoyed interacting with Alexander and John's children and his other nieces and nephews as they could always put a smile on his face.

"Glitter!" Angelica squeals in delight. 

"Glitter?" Thomas asks, smiling. 

"Where did you put the glitter?" John asks, voice full of concern.

Angelica giggles and covers her mouth before saying, "I don know."

"Is it in the carpet again?" John asks.

Angelica shakes her head before pointing and shouting, "Apple Caleb!"

John, Ben, and Thomas all turn to see what Angelica is pointing at; sure enough, Caleb's entire beard is covered in pink and purple glitter. But, being Caleb, he is smiling and completely unaffected by the whole thing.

"Oh my god," Ben says, obviously trying to hold back a laugh.

"It's okay, it's actually growing on me," Caleb says. "It's a bit itchy though."

"It's... a look," Thomas says, also holding back laughter.

"Oh, this has become a thing with her recently," John says, sighing as he pulls Angelica onto his lap. "A few days ago she poured blue glitter in Philip's hair. It took Alexander and I two hours to get all of it out, and that's not counting the hour Alexander had to chase him around the house, since he didn't want to take a bath since he was watching the Backyardigans."

Thomas laughs as Philip walks in from the kitchen and plops down in between John and Thomas. Thomas laughs harder at the thought of Philip's curly hair full of glitter, but then stops when he notices how Philip is staring at his stomach with his mouth wide open. 

"What's wrong, Philip?" Thomas asks. "Did I drop something on my sweater? Is it stained?"

"Wow," Philip gasps, before reaching out and touching Thomas's stomach, much to Thomas's confusion and John's embarrassment.

"Pip, you can't just touch people without asking, we talked about this," John says in a calm, yet stern voice.

"Baby," Philip says seriously, keeping his hand on Thomas's stomach. A look of horror crosses John's face as a slightly pained expression shows on Thomas's.

"No, Pip," Thomas says softly, feeling tears prick at his eye as he removes the small child's hand from his stomach. "No baby. Hey John, I'm exhausted and still not feeling too well, can you tell Martha that I went upstairs to lie down?"

John frowns before replying, "Of course, Thomas, I'll let her know. Hope you feel better."

Thomas nods and waves to Ben and Caleb, who are deep in conversation, before climbing up the stairs and into his and James's, well, now just his designated guest room at the Washington's. He sighs as he opens the closet where the Washington's keep his clothes and strips off his pants and sweater in favor of some soft, fluffy pajamas that James had given to him a few years ago. He then buries himself underneath the covers and allows the tears to fall.

\----------------

_"Thomas, darling, it's time to wake up."_

_Thomas opens his eyes to see his Jemmy smiling softly at him. Thomas immediately wraps his arms around James and presses kisses all over his face._

_"Jemmy!" Thomas begins to cry. "I thought- but you were shot."_

_"It's alright, darling, I'm here now," James smiles, kissing Thomas some more. However, they then need to stop because James starts coughing._

_And then he spits out blood._

_Thomas recoils in horror as James smiles at him. But it wasn't the type of smile that James always had, a kind one, this one was sinister, sickening, and foreign._

_"What's wrong, darling?" he sneers. "You can't deal with the effects of your mistake?"_

_"Jemmy, I'm sorry, I-"_

_"Don't call me Jemmy!" James yells, more blood spilling out of his mouth. "God, I always hated that stupid nickname. It's all your fault that I'm dead. It should have been you! I still had so much more that I wanted to do, but you're just a socially-anxious, sorry excuse for a politician who can't even have kids!"_

_"James, please stop!" Thomas sobs, trying to cover his face with his hands. He, however, pulls them away and nearly faints when he sees them covered in blood._

_"Tsk tsk, Thomas you've got my blood on your hands," James sneers, before laughing and saying, "And apparently everywhere else as well."_

_Thomas looks down and actually screams when he sees that was once a comfortable bed is now covered in blood. There was blood everywhere and he looked up in terror when he saw James smiling evilly at him, with blood pouring out of every orifice in his face. Thomas screams as he feels his heart going a thousand miles a minute and his ears are ringing and-_

Thomas shoots up in bed, breathing hard and head spinning. He immediately gets up and runs as fast as his feet can carry him to the bathroom down the hall. He braces himself over the sink and takes several gulping, shuddering breaths, hoping he can calm himself down, but he can't. He feels like someone is squeezing his throat while an elephant sits on his chest and he _can't breathe-_

And then puke happens.

His stomach decides to join in on the party and then he's doubled-over, retching and spitting into the sink. He throws up a few times into the sink before he can get enough of a break to quickly switch over to the toilet. He rests his forehead on his arms and lets out a shaky breath before throwing up some more.

He then hears a knock at the door and shakily says, "Don't come in here," before he has his head buried in the toilet again.

"Mon ami, are you alright?" he hears Lafayette ask over the ringing in his ears. He looks up and sees that Lafayette has stuck his head in through the door, just enough to make sure Thomas was still alive but not invade his privacy. "Can I come in?"

Thomas nods, hoping Lafayette can see him, because he really doesn't feel like opening his mouth. Lafayette must have seen because Thomas then feels someone rub his back and push his hair out of his face before feeling his forehead.

"You don't have a fever," Lafayette says. "What's hurting you?"

Thomas lets out a strangled-sounding sob and Lafayette helps him wipe his mouth and flushes the toilet before pulling him into a hug. 

"Did you have a nightmare, mon ami?" Lafayette asks, rubbing Thomas's back. Thomas nods before sobbing again, not wanting to talk about it. Thankfully, Lafayette doesn't push him and just lets him cry as he holds him.

When Thomas finally calms down a bit, Lafayette asks, "Do you want to go back to your bed, mon ami?"

Thomas shakes his head before replying, "I'd like to, but I'm still feeling nauseous. I think I might have caught something."

"I will stay with you, to make sure you are alright," Lafayette says, turning on the faucet to give Thomas some water in a cup and also to clean out the sink. Thomas takes small sips of the water and ties to think about what might have made him so sick. _It was probably staying in my house for two months and not really being healthy._ He thinks to himself, wincing and putting the cup on the counter when he stomach starts feeling particularly queasy again. 

"Mon ami, you look very pâle, are you feeling alright?" Lafayette asks, face full of concern.

Thomas can't even reply because he's suddenly bent over the toilet again.

\----------------

The first thing that Thomas realizes when he wakes up is how his back aches and his head throbs. Then, once he realizes that he's lying on the bathroom floor it makes sense. He lifts his head, which feels about twenty pounds heavier, and sees Lafayette sitting by him on his phone.

"Oh good, you're awake," Lafayette says, sighing in relief. "Martha said that you probably caught a bug and to just wait in here until it finished. Do you still feel ill, mon ami? You have a bit more color in your cheeks, but you look tired."

"I just have a headache," Thomas drawls, voice still thick from sleep. "I am a bit hungry, though."

Lafayette smiles and says, "That is very good. Martha said that if it was only a twenty-four hour thing, you would be hungry when you woke up. She and John made some soup for you for later, since she said you still might not feel ready to eat, but you can have some saltines downstairs." 

Lafayette helps Thomas up, which was good, since Thomas felt a bit lightheaded upon standing and almost fell, and they walk over to the sink, so Thomas can rinse his mouth before going downstairs.

**Author's Note:**

> Note: in this universe some men, known as carriers, can carry babies, so that's why it's addressed with such nonchalance. If you don't like it, don't read it :)


End file.
